


and I said take me (we can be alone)

by Anonymous



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Choi Beomgyu Needs a Hug, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Choi Beomgyu, Lukewarm?, M/M, Medium Burn, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining, Thanatophobia, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:21:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27622636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It feels like a heart attack, he remembers seeing,like you're going to die.'Strong' is the only word he can think of that applies.Beomgyu has a panic attack at night. He's less quiet than he thinks.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 17
Kudos: 87
Collections: Anonymous





	and I said take me (we can be alone)

Taehyun prides himself in his internal clock. He might not have the _healthiest_ circadian rhythm, sure, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know what time it is. Once, when he'd been younger, his sister had gotten a stopwatch to test his sense of time, and had earned three tubs of ice cream from his parents when he'd nailed five seconds within a margin of ten milliseconds.

So it kind of irks him, when he finds himself awake and instinctively knows it is much earlier than it has any right to be. He'd actually _tried_ to sleep at a decent time, damn it, he doesn't need to be getting up at three a.m. anyway. He hadn't withstood Yeonjun's nagging for nothing. 

The annoyance fades away as he hears a muffled sound filter in through the walls, and by extension his earbuds. It makes more sense if it wasn't his body retaliating for forcing himself to dance extra hard, if someone else was just being too loud. He doesn't know _who_ would be risking life and limb to be awake after Yeonjun's explicit orders for a 'sleep in night', but he doesn't want to find out and be dragged into it.

 _Let them be a sacrifice,_ he grouses bitterly, _I'm not saving them_.

A swell of exasperation makes his muscles pulse as he closes his eyes again, determined to let himself fall back asleep and ignore whoever was, messing around outside.

At least, that's the plan, until the sound repeats and actually registers in his brain. It's not a familiar laugh, poorly hidden, or the groans of a member trying to cook a midnight snack without waking anyone up. 

No, Taehyun thinks, it sounds more like a _sob_. All traces of exhaustion leach immediately out of his body, and he feels a kind of alertness that he usually only feels after taking a sip of someone's Iced americano.

Someone--one of his _members,_ one of his _friends--_ is crying. And from the sound of it, they don't want anyone finding out. 

Maybe the small bit of anger that he feels inch into his body as he sits up is unjust, but sue him. They're supposed to rely on each other, not let themselves get this bad. Not hide everything away. And maybe that anger is also directed a bit at himself--He can't remember anyone being particularly sad, lately. If they had been, he just hadn't noticed. 

Maybe that's why they didn't say anything, he despairs. Because no one saw, because no one asked.

Taehyun stands up, gritting his teeth at the rollercoaster of emotions currently coursing through him. In the bed above his, Kai shifts, sound asleep.

He wonders for a second if maybe he shouldn't wake Kai up, and use him as backup, but...

Another soft sob filters through the walls, followed by a muffled, heavy cough, like someone choking on their own breath. It cuts off as soon as it starts, a stark, sharp decrescendo into nothing. If he hadn't been paying attention, he'd have thought he'd imagined it.

Taehyun looks at the molang falling down the side of the bunk bed, and makes up his mind. _Better not_.

If they're going this far to keep it hidden, he's not sure bringing someone else along is the best idea. At least he can cross Kai out of the list of possible sufferers, he thinks, relieved. Taehyun doesn't think he could handle it if he'd missed something from him.

He tries to think back on the past few days as he sneaks his way outside, thankful to Kai for leaving the door slightly ajar so he doesn't make any unnecessary noise. He thinks to the long series of interviews, to the constant filming, to their first fanmeeting in a very long time. He thinks of Soobin, showing off more lately, clinging with less intent to please and more because he _wants_ to. How much more open he's been, not just as a leader but as a person, and how the rushed closeness has had time to settle into his bones and allows him to reach out to them, obvious even more with his loud declarations of intent and emotion even when on live broadcast.

Taehyun thinks of Yeonjun--Yeonjun who is definitely a crybaby, if Taehyun's honest, and it shows. Has shown even before they debuted, and even more as he falls from his forced position as the eldest into something more comfortable, more natural. How even before he'd let himself be anything less than perfect he'd still been obvious in his feelings, the first to cry and often the one to make them all start. How lately he's pushed himself far, trying desperately to show a new side of himself with every appearance, so much so that Taehyun worries he'll run out of things to show and have to start making them up as he goes.

Then the only one left to think about is Beomgyu, and, well. Taehyun already thinks about him a lot, often without trying, and the discomfort he feels at having to think about thinking about Beomgyu definitely has its irony somewhere. But he can't say that he's without worry, or without reason to have any. Because Beomgyu is better at writing his feelings than saying them, Taehyun thinks, and it shows in his gestures, in how physical he is with his thoughts and words. And the last time they had to write how they felt to each other, Beomgyu had said something that worried _all_ of them--

And Taehyun now feels horribly guilty for forgetting about it. For letting himself stop thinking about it, because since when has he been the type to let go something that he should hold on to?

Taehyun tracks down the source of the sound to their small kitchen--just barely big enough to fit all of them, linked to the main dining area of the dorms, and the source of many disagreements of who could be in there and who could not. As it stands, it is the place where one is least likely to be caught when they don't want to be. 

It also doesn't have any doors, so Taehyun gets a clear view of a long pair of legs, scrunched up and clad in pajamas, almost as soon as he approaches. That by itself isn't a hint at all. They all wear the same sort of pajamas, unless they're a special set for filming, cute where comfort is sacrificed. 

The nail polish on the toes narrows it down to two. Not because of the willingness to paint, but because of the color. Soobin prefers a subtle beige or a flat black, while Yeonjun and Beomgyu are prone to wilder colors like the one he's seeing now. A pearly purple, on carefully cut nails that are starting to grow just a little bit too long for it.

Taehyun hears the same sound once again, the shudder-sob, but this time can hear the muffling of hands pressed against a mouth, the harsh, rapid breathing, and see the way their legs tremble in tune. It doesn't sound like just a crying session, now that he's close enough, but like something more complex, something a bit more gut-wrenching than he can fathom.

He peeks in through the doorway, planning to just have a preliminary look, and stops in his tracks as his eyes make direct contact with the unmistakable top of Beomgyu's head. Beomgyu, who has his hands so tight around his mouth that it looks like he's suffocating himself, and his eyes wide open and freely dripping tears, unseeing and filled with a raw, unspeakable _terror_ that stares straight into the dark of the unlit kitchen.

Taehyun feels his mouth fall open as he takes in the scene in front of him, watching Beomgyu's shoulders shift up and down, tight and almost meeting Beomgyu's knees against his chest. He's never seen _this_ , only read about it, and prayed to high heaven he'd never have to use the knowledge. Certainly, he hadn't expected it now, least of all from Beomgyu. Soobin, maybe. Yeonjun or Kai, if something horrible happened. But now maybe he thinks that he should have seen it coming.

He can't help but feel that he's bitten off more than he can chew, here, and the thought is scary all on its own. 

"Hyung?" he says, despite himself, despite whatever tells him that it isn't his place to be here. Beomgyu doesn't exactly respond, not entirely, but his eyes do slide up to meet his as another choked sound excapes his mouth, "Oh, good. Uh, Can I come inside?"

For a few, terse seconds, Taehyun fears Beomgyu will say no. That he'll have to sit outside and wait it all out, listening but unable to do anything except speak, unless Beomgyu denies him even that. But then he hears it, a quick, half-inhaled "Yes," that's only just loud enough for him to hear, and the relief and second wave of anxiousness that course through him are very confusing as he slides into the kitchen and sits down just far enough from Beomgyu to give him space.

"Can I touch you?" he asks, bolder this time, and feels a bit helpless as Beomgyu shakes his head so hard he thinks it might come off, "Okay. Have you had this before?"

A nod. Taehyun buries the sad, cloying pity down and tries, "Can you tell me what you need?"

Beomgyu's hands slowly, jerkily lower from his mouth, exposing the choking, hiccuping sobs to the open air. They sound all the louder now, uncovered, and Taehyun forces his face to stay still as Beomgyu tries to find words, "I-W-Water. _Water_."

Taehyun jumps up, fetching a mug and the jug inside the fridge, serving it quickly and efficiently, yet still aware of sound. He slides it to Beomgyu and watches him spill a little bit on himself as he shakily brings the cup to his lips, taking deep, gulping swallows of it. He fears Beomgyu will genuinely choke on it, but thankfully he finishes it without much trouble. and his breathing sounds a bit less rushed when he pulls the cup away. His eyes still water with every blink, but they look less--raw, less wispy and frail. 

"Good job," Taehyun finds himself saying, even though it sounds condescending as hell, "You're doing great."

Beomgyu grips at his chest, closing his eyes, a few more shivers coalescing on top of his skin. Taehyun feels a little tingly himself, watching Beomgyu pull himself back together, watching the sobs slow down along with his breathing.

The only thing he can think of in that moment is _Beomgyu sure is strong, isn't he_? 

He feels a bit shameful, to be thinking of that now. But Beomgyu has gone through this before, he knows now, and from the looks of things he's done it on his own. Taehyun doesn't know first hand what it feels like, but from what he's read...

 _It feels like a heart attack_ , he remembers seeing, _like you're going to die._

'Strong' is the only word he can think of that applies.

It feels like hours later that Beomgyu finally calms down, sniffling softly against the wall, clutching the mug for dear life. An uncomfortable feeling prickles over Taehyun's skin, looking at how Beomgyu refuses to meet his eyes.

"Do you feel better now?" he blurts out, grimacing internally. Beomgyu just blinks at him, "Hyung?"

"Y-Yes," Beomgyu stutters, voice rough from crying. His whole face looks swollen, like he's been punched repeatedly, and a bead of sweat trails down and follows the tear tracks to his chin.

Taehyun tries to offer a smile, "Good. Do you want to talk about it?"

"'on't wanna," Beomgyu sniffles, "Did I wake 'u up? Sorry."

 _Sorry_ , he says. Taehyun clenches his fist and exhales slowly through his nose, "Don't apologize. Not for _this_ , Jesus, Hyung."

"I was trying to be quiet," Beomgyu protests, actually _protests_ , narrowing red, puffy eyes towards Taehyun. He's not wearing his glasses, so Taehyun probably just looks like a blond blob to him. "You need to sleep. I even snuck out when I felt it coming."

And therein lies the root of the problem, "Why, though? Soobin-hyung would have helped you."

Beomgyu clams up. Taehyun pushes down a growl of frustration in favor of a kinder tone, even though he's starting to lose his patience. It'll do no one any good if he makes Beomgyu even more upset than he already is, or forces him to say what's going on.

"Beomgyu-hyung," he says, enunciating each syllable deliberately, "How long has this been going on?"

Beomgyu swallows. Taehyun waits.

"...A few weeks. Started before the comeback."

Well, it's progress. But finding out how long Beomgyu has been going through this isn't as comforting as it might've been.

"Do you know why it's happening?" Taehyun feels like a broken record, asking question after question. Beomgyu grimaces at him.

"I don't-" A short, rushed intake of breath, "Can I-Later? I can't think about it right now. No more."

Oh, fuck. "Sure, yeah, don't worry about it. Can I come closer?"

Beomgyu nods, screwing his eyes shut as Taehyun scoots across the ground and lets his thigh meet Beomgyu's. Even like this, with Beomgyu scared out of his mind and so puffy he looks like a marshmallow, Taehyun can admit (with no small amount of guilt) that he still looks stunning. His eyelashes reach almost to his cheekbones, and his head lolls to the side to press tightly against Taehyun's shoulder.

"'M sorry," Beomgyu squeezes out, "Shouldn't be making you do this."

Taehyun won't say the sound of that is heartbreaking, because that's too much, but he does mentally punch himself for Beomgyu's reaction. What kind of friend has he been, if Beomgyu, who he'd thought _must_ know about how he felt, must know how much he's valued, thinks that he doesn't want to help him? That any of them would, but Taehyun most of all?

"You're not _making_ me do anything," Taehyun swears, with a vehemency that startles him, "I want to be here for you, Hyung."

Beomgyu shakes his head, arms wrapping around Taehyun's middle and face butying in the space between his arm and his chest.

"Thank you," he murmurs, muffled so much it sounds like _Mhramg u_ . Taehyun hums, rubbing a hand on Beomgyu's back and praying he's not listening to his heartbeat.

 _What am I going to do with you?_ Taehyun thinks, staring down at the way Beomgyu noses into his chest and wipes his tears on his pajama shirt. He says nothing, because he doesn't think it's the best time. Definitely not. With Beomgyu like this, telling him anything would break the both of them.

For now, he'll be content with helping as much as he can. And hope, distantly, that when he does say anything, that he'll be allowed to continue to do so.

It's Yeonjun who finds them in the morning, reaming them out for not only moving around but also falling asleep outside of their beds. Beomgyu's red eyes get mistaken for lack of sleep, and the wet spot in Taehyun's shirt is blamed on the empty cup.

Beomgyu sneaks back into his room when Yeonjun finishes, spouting something about getting ready.

And Taehyun waits for the other shoe to drop.


End file.
